Thoughts

Summer Vacations

2010-07-18T00:18:00.001-07:00

Before summer starts, I tell myself I will do these time consuming things when I have a bunch of time in the summer.

At the beginning summer, I tell myself I will relax and accomplish alot this summer. First, I will relax a little. Maybe I will start working but no doubt soon I will relax a little.

In the middle of summer, I haven't done much but I will start to do more.

Near the end of summer, I haven't succeeded in doing very much. Summer is going to end soon. Must have some fun and accomplish goals. Stress, stress, stress.

At the end of summer, I'm disappointed summer went by so quickly. I haven't accomplished what I wanted to but I will try to continue working on those goals. I didn't have enough fun. I wasted summer.

After the end of summer, I have no time. Have to postpone those goals until another break.

Soon, I forget about them.

That's how I think my summers have been going. I'm going to fight against this one though.

Ways I Procrastinate

2010-06-17T23:44:00.000-07:00

I often point at how much certain people around me procrastinate but I don’t think about myself too often so I’ve decided to create a list of ways I procrastinate. I’ll start with things closest to me now first.

Procrastinating on…
closing word documents and folders I’m not using anymore,
closing tabs on Chrome I’m not using anymore,
finishing up my essay outline,
restarting my computer,
dumping work from previous year in my drawer,
cleaning up the pile of papers and books on my desk,
cleaning up the pile of papers and books next to my desk,
putting away my shoes next to that pile,
dumping the two bottles of water on the table,
taking out two big paper bags full of recycling,
dumping the trash in the dust pan,
taking out the trash,
cleaning the rice cooker and dishes in the sink,
putting clean dishes back into cabinet,
doing something about the microwave lying on the kitchen floor,
buying more oil,
packing my dirty clothes on the floor next to my bed,
doing something about accumulating pile of clean clothes on my bed,
getting a pillow case,
doing something about my old backpack and other stuff under my bed,
deciding whether to go to sister’s orientation,
looking for a new job,
and deciding up upcoming birthday stuff.

I guess my procrastination is very visible; most of that was from just looking around me now. Many of them probably seem simple but every time I want to do them, I end up not because I’m too lazy to think about how I should and will do them; I bet most of them are easy once I actually start. Maybe I should learn to do the more trivial things without thinking about them, i.e. learn better habits.

Trust and Mistrust

2010-06-15T08:58:00.000-07:00

I’ve been reading Liar Game, a manga about this tournament where people try to win in a series of games in order to repay the money the hosting company had given them before each game, continue in the tournament, and perhaps gain something. The players usually use deception to win. In order for deception to work, and in order to work together as they often have to do, people must trust. The manga often calls into question the way we trust.

A more well-known story, “The Boy Who Cried Wolf,” brings the same topic into consideration. I’m not thinking about the well-accepted moral it tries to teach kids; the boy who lied ended up losing his sheep. I’m wondering about the other side of the story, the villagers.

Were they not wrong in not helping the boy out when he cried “wolf”? You might say that, and obviously, it’s the boy’s fault for lying and betraying their trust. But should the villagers take some responsibility for taking back all their trust for the boy?

Or should the boy be fully responsible for any failures after his first or second lie? In other words, is it socially accepted that after some specific number of lies, the liar would be responsible for any failures due to people’s mistrust? Also, then, is mistrust a valid excuse for not trying to help?

To be continued...

Mems and Pics

2010-06-13T20:48:00.000-07:00

I once gave someone the excuse, "Memorable things need not pics to remember," to avoid picture taking. I don't remember the exact reason; either I didn't feel like taking pictures like I often am because they often take awhile, or it was prom and pictures were too expensive.

I still wouldn't buy expensive prom pictures nor enjoy taking pictures now, but I don't believe in that quote anymore. It's true that I remember the memorable events but I remember very, very few specific images, even from some month old events, and none of them are detailed. Even if they are, how can I trust my memories of them? How can I trust that I have not altered the details? Sometimes, I crave those details. I'm glad my friends love taking pictures; I can always look through Facebook to find specific images of the past.

It has been about two years since I've written in this blog. I've read through some of my old blog posts recently and found some to be disgusting, some to be encouraging, some to be interesting, some to be joyful, some to be disappointing, and some to be hollow, not exclusively. However, I'm glad I have all of them to look back to; all of them reveal something about who I was then.

I can't remember how I thought about things when I was younger anymore, and probably some years later, I wouldn't remember me now. It's easy to assume that me then is just the same as me now but just looking through my old posts, I know I've changed.

I've decided to start writing in this blog again, and to promise myself to not quit this time, so I can see me now in the future. But this will not be a diary of what I've done each day; I'm not interested in all the details of each day of my life nor do I want to share all of them (maybe a few highlights). I'm more interested in just thoughts and values I hold, and I want to see how they change as I age; so, I will continue to share just random thoughts whenever I find time to write.

Balance of Life

2008-08-30T20:08:00.000-07:00

What is the best way to live?

If you are too generous, you sacrifice too much for others.
If you are too selfish, you lose the love of others.
If you are too cheap, you will never get the best.
If you are too extravagant, you lose all your money.
If you spend all your money to make more money, when can you spend?
If you spend all your money on toys, is it a waste?
If you spend all your time relaxing, when will you be productive for relaxation in the future?
If you spend all your time working, when will you enjoy what you have gained?

If you spend all your life focused on any one thing, is it not a waste? You walk into a museum; will you stare at exhibit number 1 until the museum closes?

A Game

2008-08-23T15:22:00.000-07:00

Sometimes when I play video games or watch a drama, I get so into it, I feel what the characters feel. I fear for them; I feel like I'm struggling for them. I forget that it is only a game or drama.

What if I am stuck in a room with no exits and there is nothing but a video game. And I get into it after awhile since there's nothing else to do. Will I forget that I am in a room after awhile? Will my mind push away the memory of being in the room since it is so boring? If I was stuck there for an eternity, why not? I would rather be the person in the game.

Then, is my life now the game?

Dreams

2008-08-21T21:41:00.000-07:00

Freedom is the last thing most of us we will have.

There is a decided path that most of us follow. Of course, the details of the path varies and we can make it enjoyable.

But not everyone wants to follow this path. People have dreams. Some will force themselves to accept their path. Others will pursue their dreams.

But if you choose to pursue your dreams, you may stand in a world of loneliness, a place no one can live long in... then what happens?

Fall back to the path? Join up with similar people? Or it could be worse...

Betrayal

2008-08-21T21:31:00.000-07:00

When a friend betrays another,
can the traitor sympathize the betrayed?
If the traitor sympathizes the betrayed,
what can the traitor do?

Say sorry? Say everything will be fine?
Easy for the traitor to say...

If the traitor truly cares,
real action would be taken to reverse the betrayal.

Secret to Success Explained

2008-08-16T10:15:00.000-07:00

You should be reading this after you’ve read the secret and thought I was crazy.

The thing is, there’s no real magic to it and it can’t guarantee your success.

What it does do is, if you truly believe that you can do it, you won’t give up and will do your best on it. If you want to do your best on something, you really have to believe that you can do it.

A Real Secret To Success

2008-08-16T10:14:00.000-07:00

Here’s a real secret to success: no matter how impossible something seems, truly believe that you can do it and you’ll succeed in doing it.

Sounds crazy? Well, if you trust me on that, read no further. Believe in it and succeed =D.

If you don’t believe me, read this.

Some other secrets to success that I found helpful.

Hard to Get What You Want in Life?

2008-08-15T21:20:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I wonder, why is it so hard to get what I want in life?

Then sometimes I tell myself, it’s no fun if you can just have what you want without working for it. What counts more is probably how you get it rather than did you get it. Still, why does it always seem so hard to get what you want in life? (Those without these desires, I don’t know whether to envy or pity them…)

When I thought about it more, I found it really easy to answer. It’s not that we only want stuff that are hard to get or we want to give ourselves a challenge; I think it’s more like, we want all kinds of things but we don’t notice that we want things that are easy to get. The easy-to-gets will come to us without much effort. And there are many of these easy-to-gets but we don’t think about them since we probably get them immediately after we first desired them.

Naturally, if we don’t notice the easy-to-gets, what is left to think about are the hard-to-gets. I think that’s why it seems like it is so hard to get anything we want in life.

True Values

2008-08-15T18:42:00.000-07:00

This had occurred to me many times but I’m writing it now because it’s coming again.

My cousin from Las Vegas came over for the summer. Before he came, it was really going to suck having him follow me everywhere…and for my whole summer too! I thought my summer was going to be ruined.

But it turned out okay. I had enough freedom most of the time. Still, I was hoping he would leave. Really was a bother to me. Telling me to look at this and that go do this and that with him.

And he still is. But he’s going back to Las Vegas tomorrow. This is the feeling that came to me when I thought about that: I’m going to miss him. For what reason? I don’t know. It won’t be the same for a while but I’ll get over it.

It’s funny. I really want him gone when he is here and I have reasons for it. And when he goes, I’m going to miss him. I guess I won’t see his value unless he’s gone.

When you are living your life and everything is going good, you don’t think about how valuable your things are to you.

It works on reverse too though. I tend to keep all my school work even after the school year is over because I believe that someday, they might become useful. But really, I’ve never looked at them again and my parents dumped much of it. But turns out that I don’t really care for them…

True values are best recognized when they are missing. So want to know how valuable everything you have is to you? Imagine life without them, treasure what is valuable, and remember that whatever you have, there’s probably someone out there without them.

How Physical is Love

2008-08-14T11:19:00.000-07:00

I once asked my girlfriend to teach me physics out of an AP Physics book. She said, “Why don’t you just read it? I will just read it to you anyways.” I didn’t know how to quite respond to that so I told her the book doesn’t have her voice and smell. She threw me off when she asked if I didn’t need her if the book comes to life with her voice and she gives it her smell. I said no but I was surprised I couldn’t come up with a solid reason.

It made me wonder. How much of love is actually about the physical properties of the other person? Of course, this only applies to the love between couples. I guess this is one of the things that differentiates between love between couples and love between family members (might want to read this).

When I first started writing this, I really thought, of course physical attractiveness plays a big role in love; after all, we love people who look productive to reproduce and raise children with. But like I said before (in Evolutionary Love), love may originally have little to do with reproduction. The idea was, love helps reproduction but love did not come into existence for reproduction. If love has little to do with reproduction, why does it have to do with physical attractiveness then?

When someone asks you why you love someone, you can easily say the person is an angel to you. But if someday, someone creates the most attractive doll, I doubt you will fall in love with it.

So does physical appearance influence love at all? Imagine the one you love turning into an uglier and uglier monster. Is there at some point you lose the love you feel for them?

I think we should think about physical attraction and love as two different kinds of attractions we often mix because they are both attractions. Physical attraction should come first since physical appearance is the first thing you find out about a person. If one exists, the other attraction should form easier since if you are attracted, you are more likely to be around the person. If both exist, that’s perfect =D; an extra strong attraction. I think this is how it USUALLY works.

Hangman Beginner's Guide

2008-08-13T10:51:00.000-07:00

Really don't want to think much today so decided to just think about hangman. It's something to do when you have nothing to do =D.

Here are two really cool ones I've learned from people (I put all the letters you'd probably guess in the beginning in):

_ _ i _ _ u _ _

_ r a _ o _ _ _ y

What I like about them is that they are not obscure words but they have letters people won't usually guess.

People often just guess ALL the vowels first but that's also often not the best way to play. If the word is short, I doubt it will contain many vowels. Even if the word is long, it might not contain all the vowels.

However, starting with vowels is probably helpful. There are only five/six of them and every word is guaranteed to have at least one. Some vowels (e,a,i,o) are also, naturally, the some of the most frequent letters in the English language . Knowing letter frequencies will probably help. By looking at the positioning of the vowels you got right, you can judge whether there will be more vowels

_ a _ a _ y

You can probably guess that there is probably no more vowels here.
Often, a consonant occurs before each vowel so start guessing high frequency consonants first but look for possibilities of common combos with vowels next to each other first like "ion" or "ous" too.

Another possibility after guessing vowels is that they are very sparse and separated.

_ _ a _ _ e _

Think of some two letter consonant combos that would fit like "cr," "ch," or "tr."
Many of them will contain high frequency letters anyways so if you have no idea, choose high frequency letters or look at the list of high frequency digraphs and trigraphs.

If possible, always try to guess what word it is and look for confirmations by guessing letters rather than just guessing random letters.

Of course, you have an advantage if you know more words but it is possible to get a word without knowing it in hangman by knowing the common word combinations and letters. Be clever.

It is really an awesome game when you have nothing else to do =D.

If you have anymore tips or comments, feel free to post here.

Evolutionary Love

2008-08-11T09:44:00.000-07:00

Here's a theory on the existence of love/what makes love between couples special. (If you are reading this, you should probably read Confusion of Love first.)

Evolution.

I don't like this one very much because I'm hoping that it is something beyond science; something that would bring more meaning to our lives but this is possible (it would mean that something in our genes allow us to love). It could be that we love because those who can love can survive better. Obviously, those who can love can reproduce better ;D. But there's more than just better reproduction. Parents loving their offspring would improve their survival. Bonds within a group would also improve cooperation and survival. So why are we so focused on love between couples? Because unlike the love between others which helps our survival, love between couples is how we can reproduce.

Love exists for the sole purpose of survival? Maybe? Most people would not like this idea and I don't like it either. That's why what I'm going to say next might be slightly biased; I'm going to try to disprove it.

First of all, you need to know how evolution works. I'll explain it quickly. Say a certain gene determines the speed of animal V. The faster the animal, the better the survival. A few have super speed due to a mutation. Those will survive better and pass on their mutated genes more easily than other animal Vs so many generations later, all animal Vs have the super speed.

So did the super speed come for the sake of survival? Not really; it came into existence by "accident" (who knows if it was just a random accident) and expanded for a reason. Maybe our ability to love today came about in a similar way. Although it may have spread because it helps our survival, it doesn't mean that it occurred in the first place for our survival. Who knows how and why it occurred in the first place, or what it was really meant for =D.
Survival may only be a by-product. And maybe, the real reason for its occurrence would explain why we find love between couples so special.

And this is all based on the theory that if something in our genes allows us to love. To me, it's a pretty possible but to those who still aren't very comfortable with it, love may still have a deeper meaning to it like many of us believe even if it is in our genes because we don't know how it got there in the first place. Even if it was an accident, it is a pretty special one ;D.

Feel free to post your thoughts on this or your own theories on love.

Confusion Love

2008-08-10T09:06:00.000-07:00

Really, I usually don't think about this much but I'm writing this is because 1) I ran into the question for a reason just a while ago and 2) someone suggested it.

So a couple weeks ago, I ran into this when I had an "argument" with my girlfriend. The problem was that she kept rejecting me recently when I ask her to go on dates; even when she has nothing to do but to stay home (part of it though is that her grandma doesn't like her going outside much). But the thing is, she goes to all the social events with other people. So does she not love me anymore?

We ended up debating about this for a several long sessions. She said she does love but not enough. Then we ran into the question: what is love? It's funny; we were debating about something we can't fully define. What does it mean to love someone?

Well, I guess one reason I don't think about this much is because every time I try, everything becomes a mess. First of all, I doubt love can be defined. How well can you define "happy"? It's a word we came up with to name an emotion and I doubt you can define an emotion. However, you can describe it; or you can describe how someone acts when it's felt. Problem is that, not everyone acts the same way and there are many factors that influence behavior; not just a single emotion.

Right now, dramas, movies, songs, and books about love often focus on the love between couples and not just in one culture. But if I ask people if they love their parents or if their parents love them, I'm sure most would say yes. If you believe there's only one kind of love, we can describe it pretty easily. It is when you really care about someone not for any reason other than because you love them (consciously at least).

But why are we so focused on and so interested in specifically love between two people? Is it really a special kind? If it is a special kind, what makes it so special? I'm sure many of us today want to just say it's just special or it's more than any other kind of love. Many of us wants to say there's someone out there that we are destined to be perfect (same people may say nothing is perfect but may truly believe or want to believe in this) matches; it's just that we have to find them (soul mates). It's easy to say something but it's hard to back it up.

Anyways, there are many theories out there and I can think of many on what makes it so special (or not) but I'll save them for later posts because trying to think about them all at once right now will only confuse me (note the title).

Feel free to post your views on this here.

At the end of our debates, she insists that she loves me but not to the extreme or she's confused about how much she really loves and I believe she's truthful although her actions say opposite. But I am convinced that I can't really judge if she does or not; behavior may mean much more than words but, like I said before, they cannot completely describe emotion. When I wonder now if there could've been a better end to the debate, I doubt it =D.

College Stuff...

2008-08-08T09:46:00.000-07:00

Some stuff that might be useful:

1. collegeboard.com
Everyone knows this one, right?

2. Applying to UCs
Probably most popular colleges us CA kids are aiming for? Gives you deadlines, prompts for personal statements, instructions, etc.

3. College Toolkit
Really useful if you want to check out a college =D. Gives you tons of facts about what there is as well as admission stats. Also tells you about costs and stuff.

Note: Someone had told me that looking at admission stats really doesn't help you get into a college. All you can do is do your best in everything.

4. Fastweb
Tons of scholarship stuff and more. Lots of essay stuff; I was too lazy to do any of them... But probably is really helpful to do them because if you win, you get $ AND it'll probably help in college admissions.

5. CollegeView
Some college advice...don't think too useful...too much common advice to read.

6. FAFSA
Financial aid stuff. Most people will probably do this.

Any other good resources? Feel free to post here.

College + Friends = Stress

2008-08-08T08:57:00.000-07:00

I haven't thought about college at all over the summer until recently when people started talking about it. Really, I don't mind too much about which one I get into. I mean, I'm sure most of them will teach you what you need but I guess whether the college will maker you look good after you graduate matters too (I'm not sure how much it matters but at least to some degree, it will probably affect your job hunting experience). So I'll be pretty satisfied with any of those popular UCs or any of those famed ones.

What I am worried about is saying good-bye to many friends. I'm hoping that I'll stick with them. This happened when I went from my first elementary school to my second, then from my elementary school to middle school, and then from my middle school to my high school. I can't remember how I felt back then when I made those transfers. I had many friends go with me from middle school to high school so I guess it wasn't that bad at all.

This time, however, I really feel like we had made bonds worthy to keep for a life time. But who knows where we'll end up? There are colleges all over the country (doubt anyone's going out). After a year or probably more of separation by distance, will we still be the same to each other?

I don't fear the pain of missing my friends; what I fear is that bonds are going to die.

People tell me I shouldn't select a college just because my friends go there. What's there to lose if I do? I'm sure all of them will go to decent colleges.

I will keep my hopes high for ending up together with at least some of them. After all, we are pretty much all aiming for the same colleges.

Decision Making #2 (Avoid Suicide)

2008-08-07T09:31:00.000-07:00

I was lying in bed last night and I suddenly remembered some more things that are extremely IMPORTANT in decision making that I missed on the other post.

How important are these? If you ever choose suicide, use these three pieces of advice and it might save your life =D.

6. Think outside the box. Probably heard this many times. What I mean is, the choices you see may not be the only choices there are; often occurs in games (good games should force you to think outside the box =D). Really important.

7. Clear mind. I think this one is really important and I keep reminding myself to do it. Sometimes, when I'm really into something, I can't do #6. Also, it reduces stress =D.

8. Ask others if you can. Just talking to others might help clarify your choices and their results. If there are experts, they can probably help but a few friends will do also, depending on what kind of choice it is.

I realized what happens to me sometimes is that I have already made a choice in my mind but am unsure. So I start asking people. Often, I think I'm only looking for confirmations for my choice. Still, talking to others help. In these cases, people can raise your confidence. Sometimes, people can often point out your flaws in thinking.

(If you read this because you want to choose suicide and still wants to suicide after following the advices, please read this too and if you still want to, please get psychological help or if you don't want that, contact me =D and I will respond in 24 hours hopefully but please wait and don't do anything yet!)

Just to emphasize how important I think decision making is: The best decision makers are probably the most successful.

Any more advice? Feel free to comment.

Decision Making Simplified =D

2008-08-06T20:43:00.000-07:00

I found that I often sit in front of the computer doing nothing is because I can't decide on what to do next (also because I'm lazy). I always feel like there's nothing to do but there are tons of options...read a book, eat something, make something to eat, buy something to eat, play tennis, play ping pong, go write about this or write about that, etc. I end up sitting there pondering what is the best way to spend my time. Funny thing is that I'm spending my time doing "nothing" like that. (Another case is when I sit twirling my pencil when I'm not sure whether to choose A or B on a test; it really hurts sometimes time-wise so I've trained myself to just choose, mark, go on and come back when time allows. And then I come back and sit there pondering while switching answers a dozen times and in the end, I might have got it wrong.)

It's not really "nothing" now that I think about it. Practice makes better so I guess the more time I spend deciding things, the better I get at deciding =D? Still, I don't think it was very wise of me to spend one hour sitting here, thinking about what to do. That's why I decided to write this. Maybe if I put some decision making rules/ideas down, I can decide things quicker (or maybe even better ;D).

1. So first thing I could think of: if it really doesn't matter which choice you make, either go by your instincts or flip a few coins to decide.

2. So second idea: follow your instincts. So just take a minute and figure out what you want if it is not shouting at you already. This might sound a little stupid but it makes a lot of sense if you are using it if #1 failed.

Why? First of all, if you used #1, it means that the choices aren't too different and it really doesn't matter. So how did you fail #1? One way I find myself failing it sometimes is that I don't accept the results of a flip. Either force yourself to accept it or if you can't, maybe you have picked your choice already ;D. You can continue to do #1 for the results you want or just take a minute and ask yourself if you prefer one over the other (if you don't, why not just accept the results of #1?).

Sounds really simple but really hard for me to follow. Everything matters to me... I'm in love my time and I always really want to make the choice that worths my while most. To me, one of the choices has got to be the best one; one that I would enjoy the most. Often, in order for me to make a choice, I have to find an obvious advantage to one of them.

I'd say that's horrible in everyday life decisions; many decisions really don't matter that much and spending time deciding is a waste. However, in important decisions, I think it is very important to do that. (When I say important, I mean decisions where the results of different choices are very different).

3. Third one: Look for an obvious advantage on one of them if it is important.

Ha, that's the easiest to follow. Too bad usually advantages aren't obvious; usually there are multiple advantages to all choices as well as disadvantages.

4. Fourth: Weigh them. Bad news is that I think people usually get stuck here. (Good news will come later =D).

5. Something that might help #4: Write down and organize your advantages and disadvantages. If it is something that's worth your time deciding, do this. I've never ever done this on my own free will because I'm too lazy. I rather just "organize" them in my head. The problem is that if there is too much info to organize, I forget.

You can start analyzing the advantages of one in your head and finish; then you start on another choice. Once you are done with the second choice, you might forget the stuff you got from the first. Ok, you might have a good memory but what if there were many choices, not just two. Another thing is that you can't see them easily side-by-side which is what you want to do to do #4.

#5 doesn't always work though. I don't think you use #5 when you play board games although it might help a lot. Playing board games or just games in general are, to me, times when decision making becomes everything. Often, you have to make a decision quick under a time limit. Then you'd have no choice but to go with #2 full time. I tend to spend extra long on games without time limits.

By the way, I think life is pretty much a game. A bunch of decisions to make jumbled together.

Here's the good news where everything will be decided somehow:
Let's say you've done #5 and still couldn't decide. What does this mean? Could be that the advantages and disadvantages of the results are too similarly valued and you can't decide. Then because they are so similar, why not go with #1 =D? Or it could mean that one is a little better than the other, but you prefer the latter. My suggestion is that if you are skilled in what you are making a decision about, go with the one you prefer (instincts); else go with the one that is better.

Unfortunately (or fortunately) I don't follow everything I've said here as I've said many times and I'm not sure if you should either (don't blame me if it causes you to fail because here's the warning). Anyways, I know some decisions are much tougher to make than what I make it seem here and it is probably the impact of the results that is making it so tough. But I think most already have a pretty good decision system in them and should rely on them. Might want to follow the algorithm here if it becomes too stressful though; thinking about something over and over again doesn't mean that you will get the best results sometimes =D.

Let's Be Successful In Life!!

2008-08-05T23:04:00.000-07:00

After talking about death in my last post, I started to wonder when (in what conditions) will I be satisfied enough to be ok with dying. Right now, I think I will never live long enough to feel that way. So I thought, the best I can do is become successful.

The problem is, I don't know when I will consider myself successful. So I started wondering about how I can measure success.

I think one of the most common words that pops up in people's minds when they here success is money. I would like to have a lot of money. In some of my fantasies, I imagine myself to own a mansion with everything you can think of inside. Believe it or not, I can imagine that but I can't specifically imagine what the everything you can think of is. I guess that's part of the problem: I don't know what I specifically want.

Back to the money. I would be really happy if I become rich but what if it was because I won the lottery? Don't think I'd feel really successful just from that (maybe some people would though).

If not money, then what can measure success? I think another common thing that comes in mind when people hear successful is love. I would be really happy if everyone loves me =D.
Yea, I'd be happy, but I won't feel very successful if I'm stuck with a job paying little more than minimum wage.

I remember hearing someone once gave a pretty nice way of measuring success: you are successful if people want to be like you. When I first heard it, I thought it is pretty cool and I still think it is but for my purposes, it isn't that helpful. It would mean that I have to become a success to someone else in order to become successful. This would be true if everyone's definition of success is the same. But I doubt it's the same for everyone. Everyone has different goals.

Maybe trying to figure out how to measure how successful we are is not very relevant/helpful. Instead, maybe we should see success more like a goal: either you get it, or you don't. What I mean is, maybe we should set a specific goal. Success means we reach it. In other words, define you own success.

Easier said than done. I've said it before: I don't know what I want specifically and I doubt many people do. And I doubt I would ever know until I reached it and become satisfied.

I'll explain why I doubt I would ever know before I've reached it. I'm not a fan for shopping but imagine shopping for clothes. "You have to know your goal in order to get to it" makes sense but you are not going to step into the store with a perfect image of the dress you want. You might have some idea on what you want to get though. And I think that's what I meant before, you can imagine yourself being successful but not the details of it.

I think that's ok. It's not like you are completely clueless. Consciously or unconsciously, you probably have some vague idea of what success means to you. I haven't lived too long but I imagine things to unfold like this: you work towards your vague vision of success and you'll get closer and your vision becomes more clear.

Just to make sure you understand: these are only my opinions/thoughts and if you decide to use them and fail at life, don't come and blame me ;D.

Imagine Death

2008-08-05T17:21:00.000-07:00

Death...

I used to spend much time just daydreaming and imagining things. It was only recently did I do it less because school got harder and consumed more of my time. Still, it is a great past time if there's nothing else I can do. When I say "can," I mean when I have nothing to do while I walk somewhere or while I ride the bus somewhere or while I shower. I did that before too, except I also liked to bounce a ball around walking back and forth and just daydream.

I daydreamed about all kinds of things. I'd say I've lived over thousand times doing different things in different worlds in my daydreams. Occasionally, I'd daydream about how something that I've never tried before would feel like. I guess that was how I ran into daydreaming about death.

I think I was in elementary when I first encountered death. Back then, I really didn't believe that there were any superior beings out there nor afterlife. Now, I'm more open to those ideas (anything seems possible) although I'm still not convinced into believing in any religion yet. I wish I could believe; I think I would fear death less.

Anyways, that first time I imagined it, my first reaction was like "wow, I just discovered death" (I was obviously pretty sure death is going to be like that). You can imagine how it must have felt like being able to feel something no one has experienced and tell you about it.

What I imagined death to be like was a feeling of nothingness. I won't be able to think nor feel. I won't exist! It's like I fall asleep and never wake up again. It was really, really scary for me then. I treasured my thinking and my feelings. I want to try new things. But once I die, that's it.

I don't know if everyone can really feel this feeling of nothingness so I'll try to describe it in another way. Imagine being in prison for an eternity (prison, one thing I really dislike because it is like wasting your time in life) with nothing to do. Then imagine being strapped to a bed not being able to move a muscle for an eternity instead. Then imagine that with all your senses gone. I think that gets pretty close to my vision of death except in my vision of death, you would not be able to think which to me is far worse than all of the above.

That was why I became so afraid then. I remember laying in my bed for some nights crying a little thinking about it because I know I will have to face it some day. I did say to myself that I shouldn't fear it since I still have so much time in life but I was afraid. Given only one day left to live, would you be afraid? How about given thirty days? 365 days? 1000 days? 2000 days? If you answer yes to all of them (like me), then how many days do you need to have before you become unafraid? That's why I was scared even with nearly a whole lifetime left.

Eventually I got over it because there was nothing I can do about it. Best I could do is make the best out of the time I have. I guess, before I was born, I was already "experiencing death" if death is like how I imagined it. I'm glad I was brought into this world.

As I grew older, my views changed a little. My fear shifted a little. I fear what the people who cares about me would do or feel after I died. I hope they remember me but I don't want to cause them any great pains. And I really fear it... a world without me... must be terrible ;D.

The experience was a major influence to me and I think it is probably the most important out of all of this. Not that I liked killing before but after that, I tried to avoid killing anything the best I can. Nothing deserves to face something like death; I want to give everything as much time as possible to experience things in this world.
Another thing it did to me is that, I value my own life more now. I don't want to take any fatal risks nor do anything that would shorten my life span. At the same time, I want to do as much as I can.

But at the same time, my views might change. I have a feeling that someday, I will value some people's lives more than my own. I'm also hoping that someday, I can truly believe in a religion with a better alternative to death.

Ever Wonder About What Time (No It) Is?

2008-08-04T22:17:00.000-07:00

Since I talked so much about wasting/spending time on my last post, I'll share some of my thoughts on time (also because I have so much on my hands =D).

I can't remember exactly when but it was some time in middle school when I tried to imagine boundaries of this universe. I remember feeling so... I don't know how to describe it. I guess it was almost like "discovering a new feeling". I couldn't imagine how there could be a boundary. I mean, think about what's on the other side of the boundary and what is boundary is like?

What amazed me wasn't just the fact that I think we live in a boundless world. It's because it means that there is infinite space. That's really special because it changed my whole view on "place" or "position."

Let's say there are bounds. Imagine our universe to be a line segment (has a start and an end point). Then we can point to somewhere on that line and say "We are here!"

But if it's boundless? It'd be a line (no start and no end). So our universe mappers start mapping and point to somewhere on the line and say, "We are here." Another person can go up there and points to somewhere else on the line about a meter away from the first point and say, "We should be here." What's the difference!?!

Nothing. We're still infinity from one end and infinity from another. Yea the points are a meter away but it's the same anywhere on the line. So in the beginning I thought there is no such thing as place; it's just a human concept.

I had a friend then who kinda shared the same thoughts with me. Unfortunately, when I tried to tell my dad about this, he thought I was going crazy.

Later I did learn that there is meaning in place. It is just that you only use it when you want to describe the position of something relative to something else (in a universe with bounds, you can describe the position relative to the bounds). Still, I thought it was really cool.
It's odd. We learn to use "place" at a really young age but most never learn what it really means then. Well, I guess it doesn't really matter; most of us won't find it useful for anything practical.

At around the same time I was thinking about place, I was thinking about time. I found time and place to be really similar but I found time to be even more cool =D.

First of all, think we can all agree that time is nothing physical and our time systems were all invented by someone (not natural). So someone invented a time system to measure, but to measure what? Invented a time system to measure time?
If we try to do the line thing with time like what I did with the place (assuming time is infinite), time wouldn't matter. Where ever we are in time, it wouldn't matter because there's infinite ahead and infinite behind us. There could only be meaning if it is relative to a certain point in time.

But what is the difference between this point in time and that point in time? The things at this point in time is different from the things at that point in time or something changed. In the real world, something must've changed.

What if absolutely nothing is different, or in other words, the world froze completely during the time period? Under this condition, I would say, time froze. Imagine if everything stops moving. Then everything starts to move again. So nothing changed. We wouldn't know if a billion years went by (we can't think if everything froze). Or does time really even matter when everything freezes?
Time froze.

I have seen movies where someone can slow or freeze time. The result is that people move extra slow or stop moving. I like to think of it more like, everyone froze, so time froze.

So what is time? Can say time is change? Measure of change? I'm not sure.

All these are only my random thoughts from boredom and I'm just writing whatever I can think of (note URL) so don't blame me if you decide to use this info and fail at life ;D.

What To Want From Life (bored) - Meaning of Life?

2008-08-03T23:42:00.000-07:00

Hello. This is a high school student speaking and I'm REALLY REALLY bored over summer (and I'm not alone). The problem is that I've set plenty of goals and I do have a lot of things to do but at many times I really don't feel like doing them. Instead, I sit in front of my computer just talking to friends online for hours doing nothing when I know I don't want to be. I want a lot from life and I know if I keep idling and wasting my time, I'd never get everything I want from life.

So basically, too lazy to work -> boredom.

Of course, there are times when I really enjoy hanging around with my friends or just talking to them and I forget about what I want from life or what I want then is just to continue what I'm doing. But when I look back, I sometimes regret "wasting" time like that.

Regretting is one thing I really dislike. Why regret when you can't change the past? I mean, just learn your mistake and just go on with life. But people do it anyways and I can't stop myself from doing it either. I'm sure everyone had replayed something they regret in their head over and over again thinking about what they could've done instead and maybe hoping it will happen again even if they know it probably won't happen again. I guess this is one of the pointless things people do.

Pointless? I think I use that a lot. I say things are pointless as a reason to not do them; usually because I don't want to waste my time on them.

But then what is "pointful" and what is worth my time? Once in awhile, I ask myself this question: What is the meaning of life?

If only I knew the answer or believed in a religion. But I don't and I can't imagine how a thing like that could exist. There shouldn't be one right way to spend life and no matter what you do, you die in the end. Does it matter if our name still lives on? It's not like we get anything for it. Does it matter if we live forever? I would certainly want to do that and I'm sure most people would want to too. But how would we spend our time?
It's like asking if you had infinite amount of cash, what would you do with it? Buy whatever. Donate as much as you want to whatever. Waste as much as you want. We would not value money. What is one possible point in spending money excluding all the unnecessary? Figure out as many as you can to use your money! =D Other than that, I don't know. Money probably becomes pointless and I think that is what having an infinite lifespan is like.

But this isn't the case for us, our time is limited (or if there's afterlife, I imagine it to be like my previous example). So I imagine life to be more like, we have a 50 buck gift card (no change) to go to the store with that will expire after today. What would you want to buy with it? I'm sure it varies from person to person. There are probably some better deals than others but I doubt there's a best one. Maybe there's nothing good to buy at all. I guess there's nothing wrong with not spending it on anything. But who would want to waste a free 50 bucks ;D.

So I guess meaning of life: decide yourself? I guess spend your life on something you want or spend it on whatever or don't spend it at all?

All these are only my random thoughts from boredom and I'm just writing whatever I can think of (note URL) so don't blame me if you decide to use this info and fail at life ;D.